Tag Archives: conversation

Not again!

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I once told a friend that my list of complaints was so long it probably went all the way to hell and back. She replied, in all seriousness, that it probably originated in hell.

I still reflect on this bit of wisdom years later. She had something of a good point to consider.

Sadly, our friendship faded away. She was someone I admired and appreciated, but perhaps some collision between the zig zags of her own life and my tendency to be a bit obnoxiously brash led to a slow distancing and eventual vaporisation… it will be nice to see her again one day. Even if she might join the list of other lost friends whom I hope to re-encounter in heaven, where our mutual adoration of God will manifest in utter joy in seeing each other there.

The complaints which she wisely commented on are usually of things that are common and predictable occurrences, in any case. The complaint serves what purpose exactly? To ask for sympathy, I’d guess.

“Oh, it’s so hot, and my back hurts and my paycheck is late and whatever shall I do about my noisy neighbors?”

These aren’t requests for helpful suggestions, since ordinary means of resolving them already exist and — complaints usually being repetitive — the same problems have been suffered through many times before. I suspect it’s a desire for unity of spirit and friendship. “Ah, this heat!” “Oh, it’s terrible.” “My, my so hot.” “It is indeed.”

Do we want the same when we offer a litany of praise instead of a litany of complaint? “My God, how beautiful the sky is today!” “Right? It really is amazing!” Probably, though I find the litany of praise a much less common component of ordinary conversation.

What about the litany of praise of sufferings? Hardly exists, I’d think. “Well, it sure is nice to have this quiet time in bed, now that I have the flu.” “Oh, I know what you mean, being sick is such a blessing.”

Saint Therese of Lisieux, sick in bed…

Am I right?

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Everyone seems to think they are right. And I do, too. Weird, right? This is why people have arguments over Thanksgiving dinner. I keep noticing, however, how much of what we say has no basis in fact. I wonder sometimes if it counts as lying. It’s not ill-intentioned, but it’s garbage.

I suppose there’s some leeway for courtesy and trying to make others feel better, but I would think it better to just listen than to invent random things and pretend you are quite certain of them. Then again, if we didn’t say useless things we wouldn’t have much to say, would we?

The other day someone said that to talk about oneself is the most tedious conversation killer. Perhaps they were imagining those people who drone on and on and never pause for a breath. But I think how often people desperately wish to be acknowledged and listened to. Maybe the droners and the desperate are not the same individuals. But maybe the droners are the desperate, clinging to their listeners like drowning men.

It seems like garbage, however, to respond to babble-streams by merely nodding and smiling. Surely you are lying. If you really find it fascinating, by all means nod and smile! But if not, then what? Why not respond with some anecdotes of your own that engage with what the other is saying? I mean, you can’t talk (ill) about others, which eliminated another big chunk of regular subject matter.

The king vulture, a species found in Brazil. The common black vulture is also found here, where it feeds on garbage, roadkill and so on. Someone once explained to me in all seriousness that the king vulture lives in the forest and doesn’t hunt, but instead is fed by the black vultures. I found this appalling, charming, and curious all at once, but it just didn’t seem the right moment at the time to tear apart the story by explaining vulture biology and behavior…. besides, what do I know, maybe there’s a kernel of truth in there. It seems improbable, though.

It also seems awkward to be the kind of person who feels obliged to pick apart everything the other person says and show them why it’s wrong. This seems just as true if the person has a clear misunderstanding of some factual knowledge (like the behavior of vultures), as if the person is ‘wrong’ in the sense of having a disagreeable stance on some controversial issue.

Nor does it seem appropriate to make sure you clarify your position on any subject that comes up, just to make sure everyone knows where you stand. Who cares?

As I once joked during Lent, if we practice the monastic tips on guarding the tongue there’s nearly nothing to do but praise God. All other speech is pretty much a waste of time or veering towards sin. Am I right?